Blah

Haven't written for a while its been a long 2 months. I've barely had time to think nevermind update the blog. It's been, pretty much hell this time around, but I'm trudging along. Got a sponsor, she's fantastic. I haven't jumped in head first yet, I want to, but something's preventing me from doing it, iVe been all crazy in my head which I know is my downfall and its no shocker shits been upside down and difficult, but just like when I was drinking, I'm out of control. I can't get out of my head. I try, but somehow I end up wandering the rack of TJ's and Marshalls by myself just existing all in my head all alone not dealing just distracting myself from the uneasiness, the constant overwhelming feeling of sadness that I can't seem to shake. Where's the pink cloud I had last time? I'd kill for just a day of that.

and then there was me

last October 14th I thought I hit my rock bottom. I thought I had discovered I was an alcoholic and that was going to be the day I changed my life forever. I look back now though and I am able to say honestly that I did not truly believe or did not want to believe that I was alcoholic. I wanted to believe it was my eating disorder and my what I now know my undiagnosed add/adhd. I fixed those parts of my life and in great ways. AA started to slip though. I focused in or what I did not like and although in the beginning I was at a meeting or 2 every single day I wasn't in them. I sat in the back and I didn't speak and sure there were times where I believed I was, but slowly this notion of "so many other aspects of my life were in disarray maybe the booze was only an issue because of them" and this slowly ate away at my resolve and had me truly believing that there was no way I could live my life without knowing for sure. Knowing that without a shadow of a doubt that because all aspects of my life were happy, healthy and moving forward in a positive direction this was the time to experiment because if it went bad i could blame nothing else. So of course eventually after about 8 months of pure willpower and the desire to not disappoint everyone around me I decided to test myself. I got my answer. From the moment I let booze touch my lips something inside of me switched on. This thing that had been eating away at my resolve and creating doubt inside of me just burst open. It took over my life in an overwhelming way so much so that even though i no longer even got any pleasure or satisfaction or enjoyment out of drinking....I couldn't not drink. From the very first sip I hated the taste, I hated the way I felt and I became a paranoid, angry, out of control person whom I was afraid and ashamed of. I woke up everyday telling myself never again. I believed it I wanted to believe it and somehow it felt like before I could even finish the sentence I was somehow drinking again. What scared me the most was how fast it progressed. It became the only focus, the only thing that mattered. I couldn't stop either trying to convince myself that I could do this. I could stop, I wouldn't do this to myself and to those I love that I could stop this thing and get back on track without hurting anyone any further. I had done my experiment and boy did I have my answer. That little thing inside of me that kept nagging and telling me oh you need to be sure, just try, try without having the ability to fall back on anything else as to why you couldn't drink. that was the disease the sickness inside of me fighting to get out. And what really opened my eyes the most was that from the very beginning I took no pleasure or enjoyment out of it. I hated it and I hated myself for doing it and yet I couldn't stop. Why couldn't I stop doing something that was making me miserable? It consumed my life so quickly I became so paranoid and so scared I isolated. I isolated because if I was alone at least if I couldn't stop it I could stop it from hurting anyone. I kept thinking however, that I could do this and get myself out of it and everyday I would wake up with that intention and maybe a day or two would go by, but I'd be right back in it before I even gave myself the chance to try and do something to help myself. The only thing I wanted to do was tell my boyfriend, but at the same time it was the only thing in the world I did not want to do because I knew the consequence. I knew he had given me an ultimatum when I first fell apart last October. He could not and would not do this again. I couldn't imagine life without him so I kept telling myself I could get through this I would fix it before it could hurt him. Before I could hurt the greatest person that has ever come into my life. He had been through so much and stood by me no matter what how could I tell him that once again I let this thing. This stupid drug this awful horrible thing get a hold of me again and it made me break all the promises I had made about never letting this happen again. I love him. I always will and I was too weak and too afraid of the consequences of my actions to look him in the eye and tell him once again I'd be letting him down. Over the course of a few months I spent countless hours trying to convince him of my way of thinking. That thee was just some doubt I needed to resolve. I needed to get this nagging feeling out of myself. I needed to know for sure that I was an alcoholic because to be honest I wasn't sure. I wanted to believe that I could be normal. That I could be like everyone else and enjoy a glass of wine or two and be done with it. I wanted this to be the truth. I wanted my add/adhd and my eating disorder to be my only differences. I thought that being an alcoholic was shameful. I didn't want to believe that I could be that person that that could be me. So for months I set myself up for that first drink. I stopped the meetings and i spent hours upon hours telling myself I couldn't live my life without knowing. To be honest although it breaks my heart that I had to hurt the love of my life, my best friend the person I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with in order to figure this out I do not regret picking up that first drink. I do not regret it because I am sure. I am 100% positive that yes I am an alcoholic. Not only was I doing something that I did not even enjoy, but I was doing something and doing it over and over again without the ability to stop even though I kept trying and trying to on my own. This is real now this is my reality and whether I like it or not I better get used to this part of myself. I better accept it and move on because if not if I don't. I'll end up in that bathroom again drinking by myself and hating myself for it. I don't want to be there again. But this time there is no promise. No promise save one " I will stay away from the first drink, 1 day at a time." I can make no promises beyond 24 hours and that is why I know that because I had to be sure, I had to test the waters I may walk away with an understanding of the person I am, but the person I am has lost the most important thing, the very best thing that ever happened to her. I've spent the past few days in a calm misery. Calm and acceptance of the truth about myself as dark and painful as it may be it's still almost a relief, but the misery I feel about hurting the most important person and the realization that I have lost my great love, my first love and the person I thought I was building a life with. I wish I could have see this and believed it in myself last October. I wish I had been brave enough to ask for help so that It would not have taken me tearing out one again the persons heart I was supposed to be taking care of. I miss my best friend the only person I need and want to talk to and be around is the one person I know I can't be. I never understood how a person could come into your life and change it so profoundly that could make every aspect of someones life that much better that the ability to go on without them seems impossible, but I know that feeling now. I know that I will forever have a hole in me and the life I might have had a full life is no longer in the cards. It may sound dramatic and it may sound a little cliche, but it's cliche for a reason because it's true. I'm not sure what I do from here or where I go. I know I have to use what I have learned to grow into a stronger person without shame and without guilt and without self loathing about who she is, I'll accept it, I have to. I'll learn how to love this dark part of myself because if I can't it will take my life i'm sure of it. So I am grateful for that, but as I learn to love this piece of myself another piece is lost. Lost forever and I feel, I just feel.... broken.

time to dust off the party dress

i really miss going out.
i miss the whole thing.
the rituals, the drama the noise the outfits.
ugh
i miss it a lot.
I've realized this recently.
I thought for a while it was the booze i missed, but I'm realizing now it's not.
I miss getting ready.
I love the long shower blasting my music and then the dance party that inevitable occurs while I'm picking out an awesome outfit and putting my going out face on. I love it, love, love, love and I've missed it.
I miss the drama of picking where we are going and i even miss the waiting in line in the freezing cold.
I miss the music of the bar and the people watching.
I even miss being pushed and shoved around and the lines/drama that goes on in the ladies bathroom.
i miss meeting strangers and talking to people I might never normally speak with.
I miss being out late.
I miss the drama that goes along with a long night out.
I don't have that anymore. Mostly because I've been afraid to really "go out" thinking I was going to be super tempted and maybe even actually pick up a drink.
I don't feel so worried anymore. I really don't think I need the booze or would decide to drink if I went out.
I'm no fool. I remember all the crazy horrible times from going out too, but I can't help it. I'm a social person. I've always been a really social person and I've always had lots of friends and I've always loved to go out. To a bar, to a party, to dinner anything! I just love it and I miss it. I'll never be happy until I realize a way to incorporate it back into my life I know I wont. I'll resent all the people around me who I feel are "holding me back" from it. I'll become angry and I know it'll just go nowhere good. I'm doing so many good things for myself as of right now and I've been ignoring this aspect of my life. Every other part of my life is going well and in the right direction. I'm taking care of myself both inside and out in almost all areas of my life except this one. I've avoided this and understandably so. I needed time to get everything else in my life together before I tackled my "social life" but i feel the time is now. I need to do it. I'm not even sure if I think I wouldn't be able to handle drinking now that everything else in my life is under control. I've finally been diagnosed with add/adhd, my bulimia/anorexia is on the mend, I'm off the antidepressant, I'm in therapy every week, I've taken control of my relationships and I'm even working on my career and basically just figuring out who Amanda is for the first time in my entire life. And I had so many other things going on, I'm not downplaying the fact that my drinking was a problem, but I do think that it was as bad as it was because of so many other factors. I didn't develop add/adhd or anorexia/bulimia because of drinking. I never drank in the morning and I never felt the "need to drink". If i hadn't been taking the antidepressant it's a fact i wouldn't have had the black outs i was experiencing. I just am living with the constant "what if" I'm not sure. So I do think that eventually there will come a time where i do try again. Once everything else is under control and there can be question that if I couldn't handle it there is no other conclusion than I am an alcoholic. If that happens then I'll finally know. I'll give myself up fully to the fact that I am an alcoholic and the drink is not for me, but until I can be sure I don't think I'll ever be at peace. I think until I can be sure I won't be truly happy. Maybe I'll find out I am indeed an alcoholic, maybe I'll find out that hey I can drink socially and for fun and not take it to an extreme who knows? For now all I know is that the social life needs to return. I need it. I yearn for it. I feel like a part of me has died and I can't ignore it anymore. It's time to brave the social waters of Boston for now sober eventually who knows?

unknown

been a while since I last posted anything. Been a roller coaster couple of months. My emotions have been going crazy and life has just been hectic. I've been dealing with all the other underlying issues in my life that I hadn't dealt with...well ever. I recently got diagnosed with add/adhd which is really no surprise, but explains a lot. I've always had this uncomfortable feeling like I can never just be. I also have to be doing something and my mind is constantly going. I could never shut it off...well unless I drank. Drinking was the only time it calmed down. I Unconsciously was self medicating. This information was freeing, but also started a whirlwind of emotions that have spent me spiraling into a constant state of anger and isolation.

I'm angry because if this had been diagnosed sooner would I have become an alcoholic? Am I an alcoholic? How can I be sure I am when I had allllllllll this other stuff going on. Between the antidepressants, the bulimia/anorexia and the undiagnosed add/adhd how can I be sure that I really am an alcoholic? I can't be. And thus the roller coaster couple of months. I can't accept it blindly anymore. Sure my family and boyfriend think there is no way in hell that I could be anything, but an alcoholic which I have to admit makes sense considering my past track record. However, I cann't be anymore. My friends are more open to the possibility most citing that they don't think I had a drinking problem even despite everything I've told them and I've told it all. From the drinking at work, to staying later at the bar everything. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I just need to live with being unsure. I hate the feeling of not knowing, of wondering what if instead of just knowing solid facts backed up by solid evidence. Sure there are plenty of horror stories, but there was also a ton of horror going on underneath the surface some of which I wasn't even aware of. I had my reasons for everything and it may seem like I'm trying to find an excuse to booze it up, but I really don't think that's what I'm after. I just want answers, I just want to know and I just don't want to be any more different than everyone else if I don't have to be.

Talking with my therapist this past week I got a chance to really talk about all the things I've been wanting to talk about with either the boy or the family or both. Like the fact that plain and simply I want to see if I can drink. I want to see if now that everything else in my life is under control, I want to see if drinking is really it's on separate issue or if indeed it was just something that got out of control because of everything else that was going on. When I've tried to talk about some of this with the boyfriend it seems we just go in circles. He says no way I say maybe and then usually I just come around to his way of thinking basically to just stop the conversation. I never seem to be able to articulate myself correctly at the time. In therapy I think of the EXACT right thing to say to him and then always forget or can't quite get it out when I'm with him. For instance when I say things like I just don't know and my friends think It could not be an issue he'll say something like well do they know everything? Like how you stayed late at the bars to drink without them? At the time all I can say is yes they do. But what I really want to say is that Yes. I did indeed sometimes stay at the bar once or twice longer than my friends to stay and drink. But it was near the end and I did it because I got to be the fun cute girl who made people laugh at the bar. At home I was the fucked up girlfriend who was always screwing up. Who was hiding her bulimia/anorexia from her boyfriend and was ashamed. I was the girl who was never content to just sit still and be mellow. I was the girl who instead needed that drink to calm her down, but that would piss off the boyfriend. I hated that girl. I hated who I was and when I was out and drinking I didn't have to be that person. That is why I did it. It didn't have anything to do with the drinking itself it had to do with who I got to be. I realized this in therapy this week and it felt so good to say it out loud. Yet, I can never find the right way to articulate that to my boyfriend or my family. I was living my life with so many secrets and I was so ashamed of the person I had become and I couldn't figure out why things just couldn't be normal for me like they were for everyone else. So I drank to help stop my mind and my body from racing and it in turn gave me a fake self confidence and I felt I was alright for a while and then it would get out of control because I was a girl who didn't eat that day and was drinking on antidepressants and an empty stomach. Then I'd do something awful. Feel ashamed. Hate myself and the cycle would repeat. It was never about the drink. It was never about god I can't wait to get to the bar so I can taste beer and liquor or god I love that tipsy feeling give it to me 24/7. It was never about that. It was I hated myself and that was how I hated myself a little less. That was how I suppressed the hunger. That was how I calmed my mind and body down to a state where I didn't always feel like I was going to come out of my skin.

Figuring this out was so amazing. I immediately felt better about myself. About where I was headed in life and the progress I was making. Though slow, it was still progress. Yet, I can't say these things to the people who need to hear them because I know they will just look at me and see nothing, but the booze and the drunkeness and the stupid things I did. They won't hear me. They won't really hear what I'm saying and how I'm not saying those things to myself anymore. I don't wake up hating myself every morning. Sure I have my days, but they are few and far between. The past few months however, have been harder. I have hated myself more than usual and it's because I'm dealing with this issue of not knowing. This feeling of being stuck. Not able to have the talk with the people I love about how I really feel and what I really want. One minute I'm angry at them because I feel they are all holding me back from living my life the way I want it. The next minute I hate myself for thinking that way. How can I be so selfish? After everything I've put everyone through how can I ask this of them? Well everyone despite hitting a rock bottom with most of you and causing you immense amount of pain for god knows how long...now that things are good again and I've started taking care of myself. I'm going to see about the drinking. I'm going to experiment and see if it indeed was an issue in and of itself or if it was only because of everything else that was going on. Stand by me. Support me. HOW CAN I ASK THEM TO DO THAT? I can't. So I don't. So I live my life and when I'm alone I get angry and look for tiny ways to rebel. My most notable one I started smoking at work. A cigarette here and there and I felt like a rebel. It wasn't booze, but I was doing something I knew no one would like and it felt good and horrible at the same time.

I'm not trying to hurt anyone. Especially the boyfriend. He's stuck by me through more shit than I can even explain. Before I got sober and started fixing my life the power struggle in our relationship was very much him on top me on bottom. I never felt his equal. Since getting sober and having a voice I've started seeing the gap narrow and in a very big way. I still don't quite feel as good as him. He's just sooooooooooooo good. Last night we had a minor breakthrough though. He figured out I had been smoking ( no big surprise we have no secrets ) we started chatting and basically the conversation boiled down to that it will never work if I don't think of us as equals and if I think of him like a parent or warden. Someone who is forcing me to not smoke and drink like I'm a child. I knew he was right. It's just so hard to stop telling yourself and thinking things I've thought FOREVER. Like that my choice is automatically wrong. No matter the situation whatever he would have chose is the right way and mine is the wrong way. I finally realized last night that, that is not true. even if his choice seems the more "moral or correct choice" that doesn't make mine bad and it doesn't make me a bad person. This was a major break though for me. I went to bed feeling different and woke up this morning feeling much more relaxed than I have in a very long time. I still haven't resigned myself to just living in the unknown forever. Living without knowing am I really an alcoholic or not? I'm not sure I ever will. Maybe I'll decide to drink. Maybe I won't, but I do know that I'll never face the unknown without the talk first. I owe it to everyone I love, everyone that has stood by me through the worst of it, I owe them an explanation. I owe them at the courtesy of saying hey this is how I'm feeling and this is what I'm thinking about doing. So I dunno. Some things have been resolved some are still a work in progress and I'm still sorta living in the unknown.

been a while

so it's been a while since I've had the chance to write in here. Things were crazy right before the holiday's and really haven't settled down too much. I've been feeling okay about things. I got to a point a week or so ago where I was really questioning my addiction. I couldn't identify or relate in my meetings anymore I started convincing myself that I had been to rash. I was young and everyone goes out and has times they go out too much. Everyone has episodes of horrible drinking and mine weren't really that bad? Luckily I kept going to meetings and realized that for the first time really since I quit drinking I was craving. That's all it was. I was craving the booze.
It started on Christmas Eve. I was in New york which for me is normally a pretty easy place to be. The boy's family aren't big drinkers and it was just never really an issue. Until recently apparently. His youngest sister is going to be 21. Has a boyfriend who is over 21 and drinks and is not starting to experiment. (god if only I could have waited till I was almost 21 to start drinking, maybe none of this would have happened. I'd already been going strong for what 5 years?) What unnerved me the most was I wasn't prepared for it. Unlike my family who has it's drinkers and it's non drinkers booze has just always been around and it's not a big deal. It's not a novelty and it's just some people make themselves a drink some don't and that's it. It was different there. It felt like it was a new novelty item for everyone. I was offered booze. People were making concoctions and handing them out for people to taste. All ooing and awing about the different flavors of vodka there were. I felt like I was at a party in high-school to be honest and for the first time in a long time someone actually offered me a drink. GOD do I want it. I kept looking around at the vodka and redbulls and the whipped vodka drinks that "tasted like creamcicles and I wanted one." I was never a vodka drinker really I mean I would drink anything, but vodka was never a first choice, but that night it looked good and I wanted it. Just thinking about it right now I can feel the desire burning inside of me. I almost lost it. Thank god I could run upstairs without seeming weird and call Margaret. I broke down. I broke down for the first time in a long time. At that moment it was like things started to change. I started to think about booze and I started to feel like maybe it really wasn't so bad. I could drink again. What would be the big deal? I didn't lose anything major when I was drinking. (a cell phone here, a jacket there, but I always had a job and my family well for the most part) I felt awful that night, but that god the craving went away long enough for me to get through the rest of the evening. After that the weeks just got pretty long. These past few weeks have been brutal. I haven't been "depressed," I've just been blah. I haven't really felt much of anything. I'm just indifferent and I'm bored. Everyone I speak to in AA tells me to get more involved and go to more meetings, but I find them unbearable at the moment. I barely relate to anyone and I just keep thinking it wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad. I know it was. I know my life is so much better since I've quit drinking. I feel better, I look better, my relationships are better, my job is better everything is better. So I don't necessarily want to drink per say I just want the ability to be able to If I wanted and I can't. I know the boy will never let me drink again, ever. I'm pretty sure I'd lose him if I did. I'm grateful for that, but also angry about it.
I'm angry because I feel like I have this nagging in the back of my mind. It wasn't that bad it really wasn't that bad. "My bottom" or whatever you want to call it was really not that big of a deal. I got black out and just went home and went to bed. Not much else happened. I couldn't find my keys rang the wrong buzzer, but that was it. Other that that nothing really terrible or awful happened. I feel like all I want to do is go out and really fuck up so I can be 100% sure I am in fact an alcoholic. At the same time I don't want to get sober again. I've done it and I don't want to go through it again. But that nagging in the back of my mind is there and I just wish I could somehow make it go away. I guess that's where the anger comes in with the boy. I guess I get angry sometimes that I know he'll never let me try it again. He'll never let me experiment just be sure. Test the waters and find out. saying this out loud I know I sound crazy. I know this is craving and I know this should be the kick in the pants I need the black and white evidence that YES I AM AN ALCOHOLIC because no one normal would talk like this. No one would.But I just can't help but think what if. What if all the other things that were involved in my life that I've changed since I've stopped drinking where what made it so much worse. I'm not longer taking the antidepressant so maybe that was a major contributor to the blackouts. I'm eating again, therefore I know it would be a little different since drinking on a full stomach is a much different thing than drinking on an empty one. I'm finding all these different reasons why I could not be an alocoholic, but at the same time I feel like because I'm spending my time thinking about this doesn't that for sure make me one? Do normal people think about these things? Ugh I just wish I was 100% certain. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that yes I am in fact an alcoholic. I wish that I knew that it wasn't the medication or the eating disorder that was making my drinking so horrible. I wish that by having removed both of those things I still couldn't drink in safety. That i'd still not know when to stop and never be able to stop. That I would drink to a blackout. I wish that I kenw for certain that would happen if I had a drink today and I don't. It kills me that I don't know. The nagging feeling is constant and I just can't get it away. I wish I could escape life for about a week or two and experiment. I wish I could see waht would happen and then I'd know. Then I'd know for sure. Part of me says I can't drink in safety a part of me says I can. I'm trying now to listen to the first voice. To think about how bad it was and how bad I don't want to go back there. I just don't know how long that voice will win out for.
ugh.

2 months that's it? really...just 2 months?

2 months, 60 days, 1,440 hours and 86,400 long minutes sober today. December 14th 2011. I cannot believe it. I cannot believe it's only been 60 days. The life change is so immense that it seems it should be at least a year by now. I'm proud of myself. It's been a lot tougher than I anticipated. At first it seemed impossible, then it seemed almost too easy, and then it became work, lots and lots of hard work. I gotta say though staying away from booze was the easy part. Dealing with life and everything that came with the new found sobriety was the real challenge. From the countless doctors appointments, to the hours of self reflection it's been a long and challenging road and I'd be a liar if I said there weren't many, many times I would think to myself that maybe a drink would be okay, or that somehow it could make a painful experience a little easier. As time progressed however, those thoughts became few and far between and I'm able to recognize now that there really is NO aspect of my life that would get better if i chose to drink. NOT ONE.
One of the scariest things about the past 60 days was coming to the realization and accepting that this was going to be my lot in life, forever. Being an alcoholic was not something I'd grow out of it wasn't a disease I could be cured from it was with me till the end. I struggled with this a lot. I'd find myself rationalizing past situations and telling myself it really wasn't THAT bad. Maybe I'm not actually an alcoholic, maybe just a problem drinker and once I get everything under control maybe I'll be able to drink then, maybe. What I came to understand was that this was alcoholic thinking. Normal people don't defend their right to drink. They drink and don't think about it. They know when to stop and it's not a constant battle and their life is unaffected because of it. That was not the case with me and since I stopped drinking..oh how miraculous I've had no issues, no problems. I haven't lost anything, I haven't embarrassed myself, I haven't fought with my boyfriend about nothing, nothing like the things that were common place in my life when I was active were happening. It can't be a coincidence that I stop drinking and POOF those things don't happen all the time. Sure I still make mistakes, sure me and the boy still argue, but it's not the same. It's the the soap opera it once was. I'm not waking up int he morning with that "uh-oh" feeling. Fishing for details about the night before from my friends and trying to figure out if I'd done something horrible. I don't feel ashamed anymore. I feel healthy. I'm tarting to like the person I've become and all of this is a direct result of me putting down the booze. Booze was holding me captive not only to it, but also from dealing with other things going on in my life. My eating disorder was rampant because I could barely take care of myself never mind address something as deep and dark and scary as an eating disorder. I drank and I didn't eat. It allowed me to stay at a weight I was more comfortable with, but still always shooting for lower weigh less always less I always wanted to weigh less. The guilt of not eating and being skinny was tremendous. I'd feel guilty with every compliment I'd receive because I knew I was purging if I ate and most days avoiding food altogether. I was cheating myself. I was taking the easy way out and I hated myself for it. The guilt ate me alive. I was unhappy, but somehow could never figure out why. Why would pounding booze, starving myself and screwing up all my relationships make me unhappy? I think about it now and I wonder how I could ever have been so blind? How did I not make the connection?
The thing is I DID make the connection, I just refused to do anything about it. I didn't want this connection to be real. I didn't want to lose the drink. I didn't know how to live a life without it. I couldn't imagine the day to day without booze never mind dealing with my past, or emotions and painful situations or even happy situations. Honestly I just didn't know how you did anything. How did you go out and have fun without drinking? How does someone confront and deal with the past without a drink to ease them into the painful conversation? How does one work through an easting disorder without a drink to rely on? How do you have sex? How do you be by yourself without a drink? How, how, how? I didn't know how to do anything! I needed a drink to fix every situation and every problem and everything that came at me I met head on with a drink in my hand. It was the only way I knew how to deal with things. It was the only way and I had to learn a new way. That was the hardest part of sobriety figuring out how to DEAL. To deal with life. How to feel things how to go through normal everyday situations without a drink. I had either forgotten how to or had never done it sober so every experience every emotion was like I was experiencing it for the first time, maybe I was. I learned to listen to myself. I learned to take chances and reap the benefits that come from taking a chance, or putting myself out there. I learned how to HAVE FUN without booze. I didn't think it was possible. I've been to hockey games sober, I've been to a bar and DANCED which I never did in the past and had a fabulous time...without a drink. I've had dinners, gone to birthday parties had AMAZING sex, all sober. I'm building the life I've always wanted. I used to look at people watch them be happy and I longed for that. I just wanted to be happy. I envied people who were comfortable with themselves. I coveted what they had and I could never understand how if I was thinner how was it they were happy and I was miserable? What did they know that I didn't? The gift of sobriety as corny as this sounds is just that...I'm happy. I'm happy with my life. I'm happy where it's going and how I'm getting there. No more cut corners, no more guilt, I'm doing things the right way. I'm addressing my faults and working to improve on them everyday. I'm taking care of not only my body, but my mind and in doing so somehow I've started to actually like the person I see in the mirror every morning. By no means has it been easy and by no means am I done, I'll never be done, but each day it's getting a little better a little easier and I owe it all to my sobriety. I wouldn't be here, I couldn't be here if I was still drinking. So 60 days may not seem like a lot to some people, but it's a short lifetime for me and I'm proud of it. I'm proud of every minute I've stayed sober because they add up. They add up to one day at a time and each day sober is a day I've somehow reclaimed. And each day I'm sober I'm one step closer to finding myself. The person I drowned in booze and never let out. The self I was scared of being, but the self that slowly I've come to know and sorta, kinda like a lot, maybe even love.

a solid foundation: no cracks here...

day 58 and I'm feeling pretty good this morning. Not great, not terrible, but good. Something I've learned in sobriety is to appreciate the middle emotions. They seem to come more often and stay longer these days it's nice. Foundations, that was the topic of the meeting this morning. (insert me rolling my eyes here)I was about two seconds away from raising my hand and saying I needed to leave early because I didn't think I had anything to say and was going to skip out earlier than normal to get a coffee. (I've found Monday morning meetings to be pretty lackluster lately, no one wants to step up and chair and it's almost always a tiny group) Something stops me and I decide to be the good AA participant that I am and wait my turn to speak. So glad I did. Jake a regular (he'd been absent for about a week, I was starting to get worried. That's the funny thing about all this, all of a sudden before you know it you start to care about people. It's not even a conscious thing, I didn't even realize it, until he wasn't around. I was so glad to see him walk through those doors because if he didn't he was getting a phone call today.) was sitting next to me and he touched upon the fact that he thought he was building this great foundation and then had two doctors tell him he was severely depressed and both thought it was going to take some sort of therapy outside of AA to help. You could see the frustrating and pain on his face. He had finally got his head to stop going a mile a minute and was scared that digging into all the shit that he had to dig up in the beginning of AA was going to take the calmness away from him. He was down and frustrated and I totally understood where he was coming from. Thank god I waited my turn! I love those times in meetings when I really have something to say. I really understand where someone else is coming from and it's even better when I feel like I can maybe, just maybe help in some way. Jake made me feel that way this morning. I could help. I understood where he was coming from. Thank you whatever it was that made me wait my god damn turn to talk.

Recently it feels as if I spend all my time going to doctors appointments. The Nutritionist, the Therapist, now the specialist for my stomach, a psychiatrist another psychiatrist for when I go for the ADD testing that my therapist wants me checked for. Every two seconds I'm making another appointment. Trying to figure out another way to work the most hours I can before I need to leave. It's annoying, exhausting and I just don't want to do it anymore, but I gotta. I have no choice. I want to be well and that means doing all of the things I neglected for so long while I was drinking. The eating disorder did a number on my insides and I finally need to face the music and see exactly what is going on in there, thus the specialist. I have lab testing the last week in December and hopefully that will shed the light on what damage if any I have going on in there. The therapy is just necessary. AA is amazing, but I need to actually work through alllllllllllllll my shit in order to move on. The ADD has been something I've thought might be an issue for a while, my parents did as well and I'm finally taking the steps to figure that out now. All of these appointments and doctors and money I'm spending on co-pays is super annoying and I don't want to do it, but I have to. It's helping BUILD MY SOLID FOUNDATION. (how I thought I had nothing to say on this matter baffles me right now, all I'm doing is working on my foundation) AA meetings are essential and I wouldn't be sober and doing any of this if it wasn't for them. They are giving me the tools I need in order to lead a successful life without drink. I need the meetings, I need my sponsor (I'm calling Margaret that now, because although we've never officially said anything about it, it seems implied, I think I'm going to bring it up when we meet tomorrow)by having these things and going to meetings and talking I'm helping myself each day stay sober. However, it wouldn't be enough to just do that. In order for this change to be a life change, for me to live a sober life, forever, I have to deal with alllllll of the bullshit that was going on while I was drinking. I need therapy to deal with the past, present and future, but especially the past. I need the nutritionist and medical doctors to help with my eating disorder and the possible ADD. By seeing all these people, by dealing with all these issues head on, right now it is the only way I can have a chance to make my new life work. If all I did was go to meetings and have a sponsor I'd be what they call a dry drunk. Someone who isn't drinking, but is living the same life they were when they were drinking. My eating disorder would be in full swing, my past would still be playing a significant roll in my present and my health would continue to be a question mark. My foundation wouldn't be solid and I'd be setting myself up for relapse, I know it.

I knew this time around I wanted things to be different. I was finally admitting to everything. Everything was going to be out in the open, every doctor was going to know everything they needed to know and it's because of that openness that I'm able to grow and change and heal. It is essential that my foundation is solid in order for me to reap the full benefits of sobriety. Not only is it essential, but I want my foundation to be strong. For once in my life I'm not cutting corners. I'm not taking the easy way out, and I'm not telling only part of the story. Every doctor knows everything. I'm admitting and working on it all. I'm finally getting the right kind of help because of it. Of course it's hard and at times I'm frustrated. Let's be honest I'd rather take a day off from work to do something fun not go to a specialist about my stomach. Sure I'd rather take a half day and go shopping instead of heading to my nutritionist and therapist every week. Of course I'd rather use that personal day for something fun like an extra long weekend, but instead I'll use it to spend 6 hours getting tested for ADD, but in the end I know doing all of this is going to make me happy. I'll be happier once I know for sure what's going on inside my body and my head. Addressing everything all at once is a lot I know, but a complete overhaul of my life was needed and as much as I wish it wasn't there's no denying that I needed it. All of it and probably will for some time to come. But all of this "stuff" I'm doing is helping me build a rock solid foundation and for that I'm so grateful. This is why I was so happy I decided to wait my turn to speak today. I got to share some of this insight with another alcoholic and maybe, just maybe I helped him a little bit.

It was so nice when it was finally my turn to speak that I had something to say. I knew exactly how Jake was feeling, I could totally relate. I didn't want to dig up the past again either I thought I was digging it up enough in meetings. The thought of doing it again at a therapy session week after week was an unpleasant thought to say the least, but for once I refused to run from my problems, refused to anesthetize the pain. I wanted to do this right and doing it right meant doing it the hard way. Getting down and dirty and really taking a look at my life and figuring it all out. Every good, bad and ugly emotion I needed to face it. And when I'm honest with myself I would have gladly used all those half, personal, and full days off from work to either drink or recover from a night of drinking so I can use them now for doctor's appointments. Just like I go to a meeting no matter the weather because you damn right well know I'd go drinking no matter the weather. I spent so much time and effort on drinking that now that I'm getting sober I think I should spend just as much time and effort getting better from it. Jake asked "how big of a foundation do you really need isn't what I'm doing enough?" All I could say is that the foundation is going to have to be as big as it needs to be. You're going to have to do everything in your power to make sure every crack and crevice is filled with concrete. Every inch of the foundation is solid, solid enough to weather any kind of storm. Life will still come at you from every direction and in order to keep sobriety going you need to be prepared for it. You need to have that sturdy foundation or relapse is quite simple inevitable. I'm not sure if my advice helped, hurt or frustrated Jake, but I'm glad I was able to say something. I'm so new to sobriety, but I already feel like I've learned so much. That's why being able to share just a little bit of what I've learned with another alcoholic who may be struggling with something I just happened to figure out sooner is an amazing gift. I never thought I could feel so good just by opening my big mouth and sharing something I've learned with someone else, but it really does feel that good. Sobriety really does feel that good and each day I'm surprised again, by how much my life is growing and changing and how much I'm learning just from being sober.